THE F-WORD
“Fear does not prevent death. It prevents life”
- Buddha
I’ve been living with fear as an unwelcome house guest for a couple of weeks now. This is not usually my style. As an Aquarian I’m pretty good at diving headlong in to things without a second thought and not really worrying about the outcome. To me, worry is the biggest waste of energy - if you’re worrying about something you can control then go ahead and sort it out. If it’s something that’s out of your control there’s nothing you can do about it so just jog on. Simple, right? So why, then, am I worrying over something that I know I need do, want to do and, most importantly, can to do?
Clarity 2 - Mini Meditation, £50.
I’ve been through and overcome some really difficult periods in my life thus far (losing my dad when I was 25, going through a divorce at 37 whilst at the same time dealing with childhood trauma, severe depression and self-harm which subsequently spiralled in to a toxic alcohol and drug-fuelled situationship with a covert narcissist before finally hitting rock bottom - in a nutshell) so sending off a few article ideas to a few online publications should be easy right?
I’m procrastinating over doing the very thing I’m doing now - writing. I decided that the way I want to share my message about visual meditation is to write about it. Guest posting on digital platforms such as MindBodyGreen, Well+Good and maybe - whisper it - Huffington Post feels like a good match for my subject and my skills. I know I can do this. I have been writing this blog on and off for 8 years and I think I’m ok at it (whether anyone actually reads it is beside the point!) - and therein lies the problem.
“I am so passionate about getting my message out there that I am creatively paralysed by it.”
I voiced my predicament to a friend and in doing so, answered my own question. I’m fearful of sending off pitches because I think I’m ok at it and I don’t want an editor to shatter my illusion. It’s not because I think my subject matter is weak or I don’t have any formal writing skills. It’s that silly little thing called Ego rearing its ugly head. Fear also tends to show up when something is really important to us. I am so passionate about getting my message out there that I am creatively paralysed by it.
Having delved even deeper I have come to the conclusion that because my confidence is at a lifetime high I am terrified of getting rejected and losing it after working so hard to find it in the first place. I am afraid that the only thing my mum has ever expressed any pride in me for - writing - will not be good enough and I’ll feel like a failure all over again. The irony is that this all became apparent after I engaged in the very thing I’m avoiding pitching about - a visual meditation. I spent time pondering the question, uncovered all these hidden fears and am now processing it all by writing it all down here. The words are literally flowing through my fingers as I type!
So how do we overcome it? The cure to fear (and all suffering) is detachment. By releasing our attachment to the outcome (in my case whether it’s getting rejected and just writing on here or getting accepted and having to write the articles for an actual publication) we can avoid getting lost in the what if and focus on the what is. By slowing down and allowing myself the time to be present and explore my feelings and the reasons for my fear I have gained clarity around the situation and feel even more secure in my message. Visual meditation works.
I shall keep going and spread my message no matter what so I may as well just get on with it.
Time to get writing, Pitches!
Kx